


We Make Our Lives

by Inhibitedmonochrome



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:27:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24803095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inhibitedmonochrome/pseuds/Inhibitedmonochrome
Summary: Levi will always be Erwin's second, even if it means leaving.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

Erwin stares at the document in front of him. His hands are beginning to cramp up from how tightly he grips the oak desk, fingertips whitening from the pressure. When the transfer request landed on his desk, shuffled between other mundane supply requisition and communication reports, Erwin hadn't noticed. So, it’s not until a day later that he spares it a glance and freezes when he sees the name penned in neat, awkward script:  _ Levi.  _

Erwin is a strategist, commander of the Survey Corps, a genius, even, if one were to believe the whispers between his officers. And right at that moment, he can’t begin to understand why a request for transfer from his second-in-command is on his desk.

Had he angered the man in some way? He hadn't picked up anything going sour between them. Sure, it had been a week since they last touched, but he thought Levi understood. He of all people should know. 

When they had first started their  _ thing,  _ it had been after weeks of smouldering tension during officer meetings and debrief. It was Levi who stepped past the unspoken line. The man had left the underground a year ago, but the caution that came with living on the run had never quite left him. Levi came into the Commander's office late one night, speaking about a squad assignment imbalance that he wished to correct. It was a meeting not unlike the many that they had in the day, and though the timing was strange, Erwin thought nothing of it. They were both strange men, after all, who had chosen a career path few others would. And so, it did not surprise Erwin when Levi came in to speak about the training regiment at midnight three days later. An odd routine then began, where the then squad leader would visit Erwin's office sometime after dinner, often when the whole regiment was quiet and asleep, to discuss mundane matters like rations, or schedules, or the way Hanji talked too loudly in the mess hall. Erwin found himself engaging in such discussions with much more dedication than was required of the subject topic.

When the time came for a new Captain to be assigned, he had signed Levi's name in recommendation without a second thought. The brass took barely two days to return his telegram, approving the promotion of Humanity's Strongest. Levi had gained some fame within the walls of Sina, it seemed, and any good PR was greatly needed in a time when the taxpayers were beginning to question the military's role. Immediately after reading the approval missive, he headed out to the training grounds to request an audience with his new second-in-command. 

Levi stood at the edge of a clearing, brows drawn, hand on one hip, fingers tapping impatiently against his harness. His soldiers were working on close combat that day, and being the expert on such techniques himself, Levi was not impressed by anyone's performance. Erwin stood a distance away, momentarily taken by the sharpness of the man's face, lips thinned in displeasure, eyes glinting in the light. It wasn't a traditionally handsome face, not like Erwin's, whose strong jaw and blue eyes put him in the higher ranks of the Sina populace. Nonetheless, Erwin found himself rooted, swaying slightly as a strong gust of wind lifted Levi's black fringe. There was a twinge of appreciation, low in his gut, as he watched his Captain correct the form of one soldier after another.

Gathering himself back together, he walked over to Levi, tapping his shoulder. The shorter man turned and tilted his head in question. They knew each other well enough by now that Levi was aware that a salute was unnecessary.

"May I request you in my office for a meeting?" Erwin smiled at the man.

"Yeah. I'm about done training these idiots. Let me wash up and I'll be up in thirty minutes," Levi said. Erwin gave him a nod. He would start a brew of tea, a herbal blend he knew Levi would appreciate.

Thirty minutes later, Levi strolled into his office without knocking. Erwin chuckled, realizing how unusual it had become for them to meet in the office in the day.

"Levi. Please take a seat. I received a reply from the brass this morning that I thought would be prudent to inform you of sooner rather than later." He slid the envelope over the desk, watching as Levi neatly flipped the page open.

Levi cocked an eyebrow as his eyes traced the lines. He read slower than most, given his lack of formal education, but it certainly did not affect his strategic and leadership skills out on the field. His brows drew together and he made to speak. Before he could, however, Erwin held up a hand.

"I would like to let you know that my recommendation was purely based on your skills and qualities as a leader. You have proven yourself time and again of your worth to the regiment, and it would be a disservice to not promote you. I would be honoured if you would serve as my second. This has nothing to do with-" and here, Erwin hesitated. A pause, and then he went on, "This has nothing to do with personal feelings, and it is a fully objective recommendation I made to the brass. They clearly agree, as you can see by the letter in your hand."

Levi looked up, and smirked. "Yeah, I'll take the pay raise." He stood, and for a moment, Erwin thought he would turn to leave, but after a beat, the dark-haired man strode past the desk, ending up beside Erwin's chair. 

There was a moment when the man rocked on his heels, and Erwin sucked in a breath, uncertain of the warming sensation rushing through his body. Then the world narrowed, and Erwin stood abruptly, knocking the chair right over. He grabbed the sharp chin and pulled, landing his lips on Levi's as the shorter man stumbled into his body. It was like the pause button lifted, and everything rushed back with sharp clarity, and suddenly their hands were on each other's faces, lips moving. 

That day on, they had carried on their  _ thing _ in secret, except now it came with a lot more touching and no excuses for why Levi would show up at Erwin's office at midnight but wake up in Erwin's bedroom the next day. If any of the officers caught on, nobody whispered a word, at least not to the Captain and Commander's faces.

It seemed like everything was going fine, as well as things could be under the constant threat of titans. Erwin found himself working more efficiently in the day when he actually slept in his bedroom at night instead of falling asleep at the desk. Their teamwork on the field was unparalleled, each reading off the other's body language faster than commands could be given. They met in the dead of night when they could, between the constant meetings Erwin had with the brass now that the Survey Corps was finally receiving some backing. The last few months had been spent schmoozing up to noblemen and women, securing the funding that the regiment needed desperately. Erwin saw a window of opportunity to present the Survey Corps in a different light to the nobility, and had feverishly been sending letters, attending galas where he would set up new contacts for the regiment, and having long meetings with investors behind closed doors. Perhaps Levi was upset at how little they had seen of each other recently. That was plausible, but to react by requesting a transfer was unlike the Levi that Erwin knew well.

Erwin finally stands from his desk, and with a quick stride to the door, tells the recruit standing guard outside to inform Captain Levi to come in immediately for a meeting. In the minutes before the man shows up, Erwin paces in front of the large window behind his desk, tracing a well-worn path on the carpet.

The door clicks shut, and Erwin looks up to see Levi slipping in. 

"Sir." Levi salutes, first on his heart, shoulders tight. It's been a long time since Erwin last saw his second do that. If he's not already thrown off by the transfer request, he would raise a brow at the act.

"Levi. Please explain," Erwin says in a low voice, thrusting the paperwork in front of the man. Levi takes the paper from Erwin's hands, swallows, and sucks in a breath. Eyes hooded, he finally speaks with the kind of hesitation saved for frightened animals.

"I think it would be best if we-" and here he stops again. Levi's not usually a man who fumbled with his words, but  _ breaking up _ doesn't seem like the right vocabulary if they hadn't really ever been together.

"I don't think we can do this anymore. This isn't going to work, Erwin," he continues. Erwin just stares, jaw tense and angry.

"And you didn't think to bring this up earlier? If you're not happy, or if you think I'm not spending enough time with you, we could discuss that," Erwin grinds out. 

Levi shakes his head, stubborn. "Look, I've already thought through this. Our thing has been affecting the regiment. Just look at our last expedition. You didn't assign my squad to scout, even though we're  _ the fucking scouting squad _ . And then we lost two soldiers from Mike's squad because you put our offense team on a task they weren't trained for. That's not how you do things Erwin, and you know it. Shit, even Mike's devastated, though the man never shows it. How do you think I feel? Knowing you traded my life for that of two others? You're emotionally compromised. This has to stop."

Erwin winces, because he feels the guilt of unwarranted deaths heavier than anyone else. There is nothing he can do to fix lost lives. 

After their first kiss, he had whispered, breath still warm with the taste of Levi,  _ You need to know something first.  _ And then he told a story he had not spoken about for many years, about his father and his theories. It was a strange story, almost fantasy, but Erwin told it with a tone of certainty. Levi listened quietly, eyes narrowed in confusion as Erwin continued.  _ All of this to say, I have always and will always fight the titans. For the truth. I have to know. _

Levi had nodded slowly then, comprehension dawning upon him. The fight for humanity would always take precedence. That, Levi could understand. It wasn't what he wanted, but life had always taught him to take what he could get, and if he could only get the part of Erwin that humanity did not need for survival, then he would savour it. Yet, after all that Erwin had said about prioritising humanity, it seemed he had not been able to stay consistent.

"I know, Levi, I know. That was the only time. It will be the last time. Please." Erwin stops himself before he can ask more of the man. Levi has already gone above and beyond for him.

"I can't do this half-assed thing anymore. Where we give our lives to serve your goal of saving humanity while you try to keep me for yourself," Levi looks up, finally, and Erwin didn't realise until that moment that he had forgotten to breathe. Levi continues, not waiting for a response.

"I'll be a contact for you in the MP. We've been looking for a way to get in, and Nile has been giving us too much shit to ignore any longer. They won't have a reason to reject a transfer request from me. And I know those idiot MPs better than anyone else here." Levi had stolen his first set of omnidirectional gear from the MP supply stores, and his multiple run-ins with them during his life underground inadvertently made him particularly familiar with how that regiment was run.

Erwin sighs, frustrated. "You know I can build a network in a month. You don't have to do this."

"So maybe I'm a coward." Levi pauses, tugging at his cravat as if to loosen it. "I don't want to hate you, Erwin. All I feel now is guilt and resentment, and I can't make out what any of my other feelings are under that. I'll follow you forever, Erwin. I expected to have to kill for you. To die one day on the field. I can't do that if you aren't willing to use me for the greater good."

It hits Erwin in the chest, makes him speechless. He never asked it of Levi, to give what Erwin gave to humanity. But in hindsight, the words make sense. Levi will follow Erwin to any end, so if it's Erwin's life purpose to save humanity and find out the truth beyond these walls, then Levi will take that to be his too. A wave of guilt crashes over Erwin, not at all unlike the many moments out in the field, when watching Levi fly from titan to titan, taking them down with inhuman strength. He had never meant to make his lover a weapon. But Levi has proven himself to be what humanity needs, and Erwin has to use that, has to use him.

"You're our strongest soldier. We need you on the front lines," Erwin reasons. Levi narrows his eyes, an expression close to disappointment twisting his face.

"Shit, are you even hearing yourself? Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?" Levi spits out. "Mike's almost as good as I am, and with Nanaba fighting at his side they're probably better. You don't need the ultimate soldier, Erwin. Your regiment needs their commander with his head stuck on straight. This isn't just about the two of us."

Erwin reels from the scathing words. He doesn’t know what to say, and to what purpose. Is he trying to do what would be best for the regiment, or is he trying to ask a lover to stay? The words for either case are not all that different, but the intentions behind them are crucial. When had he lost grip of the bigger picture? Was it when he kissed Levi for the first time? Was it when they stopped making up excuses to meet after hours? The months have bled together the way Levi snuck his way under Erwin's skin.

They’re so close to reclaiming Maria. The closer they get, the more it feels like there will be an end to this. Erwin thought he had been planning for that final expedition that would be more important than anything else. But perhaps he has also been trying to plan for what would come after. The taste of freedom is more heady than freedom itself, the possibility that in the aftermath, Levi could still be by his side. Still alive, and ready to start anew with Erwin. He knows deep down that chances are, they will both go down in the final fight for mankind, likely right as success turns the corner. Levi has always been a good Captain, refining his Commander's strategies time and again. This is no different, Erwin supposes. 

"If I let you leave for the MP, and we manage to undermine their influence on the King's council. Say we do that, Levi. Will you come back? For the final expedition to reclaim Wall Maria?" Levi is right, he knows. Erwin thinks he might need something to hold onto on the field. Something to rage for, to slaughter titans for a dream bigger than humanity's survival.

Levi's eyes soften. "If you let me go, Erwin, then yes. I’ll come back before the end. We’ll fight the titans then." Levi lifts a hand and traces his commander's jaw, lets his fingers drop to the bolo tie. A strangled noise leaves his throat, and he tugs, pulling Erwin in. He rests his head on the older man's chest, body stiff.

Erwin swallows, a tremble in his limbs as he wraps his arms around Levi. 

"Okay, Levi. I'll let you go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a sucker for angst.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sina is not a great place for Levi....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some weird reason I thought starting this story in past tense was a great idea. I have made the executive decision to change it all to present tense because it is what I'm comfortable writing in. Amateur mistake LOL. Please reread the previous chapter for continuity???

Levi strides into the office of Nile Dok, Commander of the Military Police. The office space has the same military-issue Commander's desk and chair as Erwin's office, but that is where the similarities end. The rest of the decorations are lavish and opulent. Nile sits, elbows on the desk, fingers steepled, watching as Levi steps in. It’s much unlike how Erwin would usually be lost in paperwork, deaf to the sound of his officers entering. Nile has, in Levi's opinion, much too little on his hands. He carries barely a sliver of the type of responsibility that Erwin does; maintaining the peace within the walls of Sina means hardly more than sending the MPs to parade down the streets like a performance troupe. A man who does not understand what’s beyond the three walls does not deserve to have a hand in the council's budgeting decisions, Levi thinks, but here he is anyway.

Levi salutes quickly; a formality. "Sir, you wanted to see me?" he says.

"Ah, let's drop the pretenses, Levi. We both know you're here for the Survey Corps. And  _ I'm _ here to command you to sort out the meal schedule in the officers' mess hall. We need more alcohol on the weekends," Nile waves him off with a flippant hand.

Levi grinds his teeth together. It’s a strange charade they play, where Levi pretends to be a good soldier of the MP and Nile calls him out on his motives every time, but continues to keep him in the regiment nonetheless. It’s probably entertaining for Nile, given his relative lack of real work to be done. Erwin has always been better at this, saying all the right words to the nobility during their occasional trips up to Mitras. Poised between flattery and a commandeering presence, Erwin could get all the noblemen and women eating out of his hands. Levi, on the other hand, can't help but snap at the people of the upper echelons of Sina. Their furs and silks smell like oppression and the desperation of the underground. Having his old home beneath his feet makes Levi nervous, if he’s being honest with himself.

A month ago, a request as banal as meal planning would have made Levi snap at Nile, but now he just tilts his eyes up to the ceiling and breathes in, tasting the sour smell of Nile's office at the back of his throat. Here in the MP he isn’t the Captain, or any much higher than a regular soldier, really.

"And would that be more wine, or ale, Sir?" Levi manages with barely a sneer. 

Nile glances at his private liquor cabinet at the side of the room. "Let's do whiskey, shall we? Lord Mason will be touring the regiment this weekend. The man has a taste for fine liquor, so get the best from the shipments today," Nile says, tossing Levi a pouch of coins. Levi catches it with an outstretched arm. It feels heavier than the pouch Hanji and Mike use to requisition food for the whole Survey Corps. He will slip two or three gold coins from the bag later that evening, adding it to the pouch he had tucked into his boot. That will get passed to Erwin's hands the next time he makes a trip up to the capital. Levi’s certain that Nile is aware of the casual looting taking place, but he never mentioned it. The MP has an excess of gold, anyway. This way, Nile can be smug about somewhat playing a part in funding Survey. It would put Levi to shame if not for the fact that it would keep his squad fed and equipped. Levi has never been above stealing in his past, after all.

"Yes, Sir. I'll get on it right now," Levi snaps in a tone just short of insubordination. He steps out of the office, frustratedly pushing his bangs back. The MP soldier guarding Nile's office side eyes him.

The Survey Corps has been gaining more ground with investors, especially as they approach the reclamation of Wall Maria. There’s a tangible excitement in the air, more so in the capital than the bordering districts. People who have never seen the titans think it takes a flip of a gold coin to take them down. Those from Shiganshina know better, had tasted the acrid smoke of destruction and fear. The ignorance of the richer class works in the favour of the scouts, though. It makes it easier to parade Levi down the street; Humanity's Strongest blessed the rich and noble with his protection by transferring to the MP, and the nobility are tripping over themselves in gratitude. Gratitude doesn’t pay for the regiment's operations, however, and Levi still hasn’t figured out how to get Nile to lessen his grip on the King's Council.

The past month involved a lot of breaking into offices and storage rooms. Levi found himself sifting through files upon files of paperwork every night, when nobody else was awake. Mostly it was useless information that he found, although he did come across some bits and pieces that could be used against some of the important folk of Mitras. It was unsurprising how much unsavoury trouble the rich and bored could manage to get themselves into. He sent the compiled information off to Erwin at the end of each week, through the most discreet means. Meaning, he paid a starving, desperate person on the street to get the job done. He received a missive a week ago in Erwin's slanting cursive, indicating that the information so far had been helpful and that the man had a plan. It isn’t clear to Levi what any of this did for the regiment, but he doesn’t let his mind stay on the topic of Erwin for long these days. 

After a quick stock check in the kitchens, he heads out of headquarters for the market. It is a busy day, as servants and cooks bustle about looking to purchase the supplies they needed for their masters. Levi heads for the liquor store to source for the alcohol Nile requested. An occasional whisper of his name, poorly concealed, reaches his ears now and again.  _ Isn’t that Levi? I heard he cut down 10 titans with his bare hands! I heard he was just a thug from the underground! No, I heard he’s actually the King’s son himself!  _ It’s all wearing him down, and Levi is tempted to snap at the gossiping townfolk.

He’s just passing a vegetable stand when a dirty tramp crashes into his side. The impact surprises Levi, and he stumbles, but catches himself and rolls into a crouch. Head snapping to the offender, he finds the man running away into the crowd.

_ That's odd _ . He checks for the knife in his boot with a subtle sweep of his fingers. The tramp hadn't taken anything of worth. He stands , tracing his harness, and finds a note tucked into the belt. Glancing around quickly, he surreptitiously opens the crumpled paper.

_ 4pm, Dok Residence. _

There is no signature, but the paper is thick and creamy, certainly nothing the common folk would use.

10 minutes before the appointment, Levi waits on the roof of Nile Dok's house. Going fully geared is a necessary precaution given he has no clue who the messenger was. Carefully positioned, he watches as the double doors of the large mansion open, revealing Nile and his wife. Levi has seen the women accompanying him to galas on occasion, a lady who stands with confidence befitting her position. She’s a quick conversationalist, from what Levi heard, but doesn’t participate in politics herself. He watches as she kisses her husband on the cheek before waving him off into an awaiting carriage.

"You can come down now," Marie calls as the carriage rode off. Levi's brows rise in surprise. He’s confident in his stealth, so Marie must be more than astute if she somehow noticed him.

Well, there’s no point in hiding if he’s already been found. Grappling onto the nearby tree, Levi swings down.

"You saw me?"

"I would have done the same," Marie says with a flick of her wrist. "Come in. I want to talk to you." Without waiting for a response, she turns back through the large double doors. Levi's lip curls.

"And what the fuck makes you think I will just follow?"

Marie turns back and eyes Levi. "Erwin always liked a fiery lover. We are not so different, you and I." 

Levi bristles. Erwin had mentioned an ex in the walls of Sina, but he hadn't said who. The Survey Corps might have some idea about the affairs of their Commander and his Captain, but there was nothing beyond mere suggestion. No evidence to bring the gossip all the way up to Sina. Had Erwin  _ told _ Marie?

"I am his second in command. What do you want from me?" Levi growls. Marie laughs, a delicate tinkle in the air. 

"You're interesting. I just wanted to meet you. Talk over tea. You like tea, don't you?" This time, Marie walks the rest of the way throughthe front hallway, ignoring how Levi is still standing stubbornly beyond the front door. 

It hurts his pride to step into the mansion, but Levi’s curious, if not a little uncertain of how to handle the situation. He makes his way past carpeted hallways and paintings. Marie leads him into a sitting room where tea has been set out for two. The cushions are plush and an unfamiliar surface for a Corpsman used to the hard wood of rickety benches and chairs.

Marie sit and picks up the elegant teapot. A fragrant earl grey scent clears Levi's sinuses. Perhaps it’s a coincidence that Marie picked Levi's favourite flavour of tea, but he somehow doubts that. 

"I can tell you don't settle for bullshit," Marie says as she picks up one teacup, saucer held properly below the china. "Erwin wrote to me. He wants my support for the Survey Corps." 

The first fifteen minutes of this meeting have already proven confusing, but Marie continues to surprise. Levi's brows furrow. Erwin doesn’t always run plans by Levi before carrying them out, but he would have thought that correspondence with an ex-girlfriend warranted some fair warning. The consensus in Sina is that Marie does not play politics, but perhaps her position beside Nile is strategically important. 

Not allowing his uneasiness to show, Levi says, "To put it simply, we need funds, like any other regiment of the military." A pause. "And your husband is being a pain in the ass."

Marie lets out a laugh. "It is becoming clear why Erwin likes you. Nile does not care for the scouts. I don't either, and Erwin knows that." She leans forward and sets the cup down, gaze piercing. Levi stares back, eyes hooded.

"You have no clue what Erwin is planning, do you?" Marie says, barely a whisper in the large sitting room.

"Tch. Don't presume to know a thing about us." Levi sneers, but her words have hit the target.

"Don't I? Like I said, Levi, we aren't so different, you and I. Both pawns in the game that Erwin plays. Pieces in the bigger plan of his command. He loved me, and yet he left to join the Scouts. Erwin will give up anything in the way of his goal." Marie shifts away from her earlier scrutiny of Levi, looking over his shoulder. Her face tightens for a second, and Levi sees a familiar anguish reflected back at him. Does he look like that too? That obvious?

Levi flexes his fist subtly. "Again, you know fucking nothing about us. Erwin might have chosen his career over you, but I am his second."

Marie smirks, and it is like the tight string of a bow, ready for release. "Ah, but you're here now aren't you? Safely in Mitras. Erwin always knew when it was time to squash his weak points."

Shock ripples across Levi's face before he can catch himself. There are so many things wrong with what Marie said, he’s sure, but he can’t focus on anything past the overwhelming sensation that somewhere in there, Marie got it right. It’s a moment before he recovers, long enough for Marie to understand, surely, that her words had met their target.

"If it's worth anything...I know how you must be feeling," Marie says, voice softer than before.

"Erwin thinks I still have a soft spot for him. He thinks he can make me go against my husband," she continues. "What arrogance."

Levi considers her words. It is unlike Erwin to play a fool's hand, and relying on sentiment to complete a mission seems a rather weak move to Levi. Unless, of course, the man knows better than Marie herself, how she feels. 

"You would let your anger towards an ex ruin humanity's chance at freedom?" Levi tries. "Erwin is a loyal man. If he still sees you as a friend, then perhaps you should stop being a petty bitch holding his career choices against him."

Marie laughs, losing the anger from earlier. "I like you, Levi. But Erwin is barking up the wrong tree here."

"I am not Nile's weakness." A pause, and Marie lifts her teacup, raising it to Levi. "Are you Erwin's?"

Levi stands, refuses to rise to the bait. "Then I believe we are done here. I will see myself out." He leaves back down the front hall. Hands on the double doors, he makes to push them open.

"Levi!" For some reason, he waits. Marie stands a few steps away, fingering the necklace around her neck. She looks up.

"Keep him safe for us." Levi hesistates, then nods and leaves.

It feels like a longer walk back to the barracks than usual. Upon reaching his bed, Levi shucks off his jacket, throwing it haphazardly over the sheets. He had his own room back in the scouts, but in the MP he shares the room with five other soldiers. The lack of privacy is annoying in the best of times, and right now Levi wants nothing more than a stiff drink and personal space to think. 

Hunching over on the edge of the hard mattress, Levi sighs, eyebrows pinched. It’s been a long time since someone got to him like Marie had. He feels raw, more exposed than he would like. There are many things that he could dispute about what Marie suggested, but Levi has the distinct feeling that he already lost that conversation. Certainly, Erwin holds Levi in higher regard than Marie thinks. The fact that they slept together more than apart on most nights does not undermine their mutual respect. Levi is the one who had asked to be transferred to the MP, after all.

Frankly, being Erwin's second is all Levi has left these days. When he first started heading to Erwin's office in the dead of night, there was no hidden motive. He genuinely enjoyed the companionship of his Commander. Perhaps they could even be called friends, but Levi never had a friend who he didn't have to also be a protector for, and the change in dynamic left him much less sure-footed. Erwin was a surprisingly snarky conversationalist, matching Levi's sarcasm with equal strength. The older man shot off witty comebacks with a straight, polite face that contrasted with Levi's.

Some nights, those conversations were all that kept Levi from slipping under the nightmares of Isabel and Farlan, and now countless other comrades, crying in the maws of titans. As their routine stretched into days, then weeks, Levi had wondered what Erwin thought of it. Whether it meant something to him, a lifeline in this world that only took and took from them.

Even back then, he wished to know the answer without having to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter made me wonder if a modern AU Levi would scroll through r/longdistance while separated from Erwin. Leave a comment, they make me happy!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin gets it handed to him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't seen my previous update...I decided to switch to present tense *upside down smiley face emoji* 
> 
> I highly recommend re-reading at least Chapter 2 for flow before this one!

_Do not expect_

_that a life lived_

_is a life worth living._

_Tell me,_

_why my words sink into the soil,_

_tumbling through cracks_

_and yet_

_I pray at the foot of this tree_

_grown from the water of my tears._

\---

The light of the lamp burns low as Erwin continues to mark out notes on the proposal for their next expedition. Paperwork was never what he signed up for, but it came with the role, and he’s good with his words. It had been less tedious, somehow, back when Levi would slouch in the couch at the side of the office that he had come to claim as his, looking over maps and scouting formations, occasionally glancing over at Erwin under hooded lids. They hardly spoke, at the beginning, but camaraderie is often brokered through silence in their world. When they did converse, it was over meaningless matters, the one time in the day where not every word meant a heavy decision made on lives and weighing their worth.

Erwin never told Levi how thankful he was for the company. They are not sentimental men. He pulls the ledger for the Survey Corps from the cabinet by his desk. In Hanji’s scrawl are the most recent expenses of the research team, putting them dangerously close to the red. The Scouts recently got their share of the military’s monthly budget, but they need more, especially so when they are the only regiment to actually be fighting in a time of war. Erwin sighs; the MPs having a budget fifty-percent higher than the Scouts is no longer just a point of frustration.

They used to be friends, Erwin and Nile. It has been maybe seven years since their last amiable conversation. When Erwin had shared his beliefs on his father’s theories of a world outside the walls, Nile expressed much doubt and concern for Erwin’s mental wellbeing. It had been a mistake, Erwin knows now, to share such sensitive information, but he had been younger, more idealistic, and thought that words could change a person’s thoughts. He had no proof, of course, but was that not the point of Survey, to find a way for humans to return to that world?

Nile had called him a lunatic, then a heretic, and then finally, a lost cause. They’d gone their separate ways, Nile to secure humanity’s future within these walls and Erwin to search for the possibility of one outside.

_“We need peace, and routine is peace. The people don’t need to find something out there, Erwin. They need us to become MPs to protect their daily lives. The baker down the street is not searching for the ocean. The seamstress is not pining for the forest. They want to live their seventy years or so of life in peace. They need me, Erwin. Not you and your troupe of suicidal idiots.”_

Nile’s words ring in Erwin’s ears even now. Their friendship had never been repaired, but they aren’t exactly enemies, either. They just have different opinions of what humanity needs, and unfortunately could never reconcile their relationship because of it. Nile is not the first friend Erwin lost, and won’t be the last. An unspoken agreement to avoid getting in each other’s way had been made, and given that the MP and Scouts hardly have to cross paths, it’s mostly worked fine.

But now there is a matter of budgeting. Money is somehow always what men fight the most over, it seems. Levi’s message last week contained key information on some unbalanced ledgers in the MP. The difference is not inexcusably large, but Erwin found it suspicious enough to have a contact of his look into the MP’s dealings within the walls of Sina. By a stroke of luck, his contact had caught upon a scene of Nile Dok himself at the door of one Lord Mason. They had entered the house, and an hour later Nile had left, loading a heavy-looking coffer into his carriage. Nile has never seemed like a greedy man to Erwin, so it’s puzzling that he would accept bribes. Nonetheless, it is something he can hold over the man’s head, if push comes to shove. He needs to investigate things himself, however, and perhaps meet Nile in person. There would be time the day after, he thinks, to meet Levi. His stomach lurches a little at the thought, and he can’t figure out if it is excitement or dread.

\---

The sun is blazing by the time they make it halfway to Sina. The driver and the horses both need some rest and food, so Erwin decides to call for a stop when they approach the next small town. He’s been through this one before, in previous trips into Sina, and remembers seeing a small tea shop on one of the side roads. Perhaps he will get Levi some tea. Not a _gift_ , no, that would be too much. It would be something. But not a gift. Erwin leaves the town with a small packet of earl grey.

After they enter the walls of Sina, Erwin quietly changes into plain clothes in the carriage. A commander can go surprisingly unnoticed amongst the populace when not in a soldier's garb. He pulls the blinds and calls a beggar from the street over to send a message on ahead. It’s an hour later before the beggar comes back with a reply, thick paper crumpled in his grimy hands. 

_6pm._

He has an hour to spare, so Erwin decides to take a stroll through Mitras to his destination. He passes through the town square. Everything is oddly unfamiliar, even though Erwin grew up in Sina. The bakery, the blacksmith, the opulent carriages passing by the butcher's and the stairs that lead to the Underground. After seeing what vast desert looks like, the city looks more like a jail cell than anything else to Erwin.

It’s not long before the streets begin to look less dusty, have fewer cracks, and Erwin enters the district of the rich and noble. He stops in front of a mansion. The porch looks different, he thinks. Perhaps they’d renovated. He looks down at the brass plate at the side of the gates. _Dok Residence._ It’s been a long time since he last saw Marie and Nile, and though he thought about visiting whenever he had reason to be in Sina, their past feels so alienated from his role as commander these days that Erwin had pushed these old friends to the back of his mind. An old life, and he didn't want to reminisce on could-have-beens.

Marie, in particular, would not want to see him in his uniform, green bolo tie at his neck. She called it a noose, once, when he and Nile were still young soldiers. And now both men had them around their necks. He still isn’t sure how she ended up married to Nile, because after the day they broke up, Erwin thought Marie would never let herself be tied up with another Commander.

_"That's how I know it will never be enough for you to be present a week between every expedition. Not when I spend every day of my life wishing for something different," Marie says, and if there had once been anger in those words, the flames have long been smothered by time._

_Erwin nods stiffly. He could pretend that he would offer Marie a different life, but they know each other too well for that._

_"If you find yourself too tired to fight the titans one day, Erwin, I'll be here. Look for me," Marie pauses, and allows her mask to crumble for the first time. "But we both know you won't come back."_

Erwin feels a lingering sadness at the memory. He doesn’t love Marie like that anymore, but friendship is unconditional, and he still wishes her a happy life. Maybe she is happy with Nile now. The commander of the MPs can still go home each night to his wife.

He pulls the doorbell, and is surprised to see Marie walk up to the gates herself, wearing a simple dress, but with jewels layered on her neck so one cannot assume she is anything less than rich.

“Good evening, Marie. Where are the servants?” Erwin asks politely. It’s been seven years, and he's not so much pretending to be a stranger as he is actually being one.

Marie grabs him by the forearm and drags him, feet tripping, around the house and through the servant's entrance.

"Keep quiet," she hisses. Erwin follows obediently until they get to a small office, and Marie locks the door behind them. The room is dressed in creams and gold, the furniture carved with a feminine elegance.

"My office," Marie says with a sweep of her hands. "Nile doesn't know you're here."

Erwin raises a brow. "I thought I would be meeting both of you for dinner."

"Well, I got your note first. Nile doesn’t know you’re in town." They sit, Erwin across the desk from Marie, and both stare at each other for a minute.

"How are you doing?" Erwin goes for something neutral. Apparently, neutral is insufficient, because Marie's face crumples into confusion and a kind of devastation that makes Erwin’s heart ache with guilt.

“Why are you here,” she whispers. And Erwin suddenly recalls, again, their last conversation, and knows what this must mean to her. He will have to hurt a person he cares for, once more, it seems.

“I’m here to get funding for the Survey Corps.” His words make Marie recoil back, face shuttered. “I’m sorry, Marie, if you thought-”

Marie cuts him off. “Survey? It’s always Survey, isn’t it?” She is trembling with barely leashed anger. “Seven years, Erwin, and you didn’t think to check how I’ve been. How heartless can you be?”

The conversation is rapidly falling apart, and Erwin was ill-prepared for a meeting like this. He forgot, he supposes, that he has moved on, sleeping with someone else who can actually fight alongside him. He forgot, and he shouldn’t have, but he is outside these walls more often than he is within them and sometimes the people within seem less real than the titans are.

“I’m sorry, Marie. I should have come sooner.” Erwin hopes his sincerity is heard. Marie eyes him, attempts to strip him of his composure with her steady glare. In the time that she hasn’t seen Erwin, however, he became the 13th Commander of the Survey Corps, and if a glare could kill Erwin, he would have already been flayed many times over by the derision of the public. Marie takes a deep breath, and then she is once more Nile Dok’s wife, a composed noblewoman.

“I don’t know anything about Nile’s work. You’ll have to meet him yourself,” she says. “Although, I have seen the Captain of the scouts in town. Heard the gossip, that he's working for Nile now? How did you manage to piss off your second-in-command?” Marie laughs, something crude and mean.

Erwin swallows, keeps his face stoic. "Levi wanted a change in his career. He applied for a transfer, and I saw no reason to deny him the request.”

Marie smiles, and Erwin forgot too much, it seems, because she still reads him like she did when they were young. “He asked to leave? We both know people don’t leave you unless you let them go,” she says, leaning forward. “I’ve heard the stories. People say you _saved_ him from the underground. That he’s your bitch now because he owes you.”

Erwin shakes his head, because the way Marie is describing Levi is so inaccurate it somehow offends him. “Levi doesn’t owe me anything. I didn’t save him. I-” He swallows, feels a lump stuck in his throat. “I trapped him.” He realizes too late that he’s said too much. Marie looks at him, eyes wide.

“You...trapped him,” she breathes. “And so you let him go.”

She stands, skirts swaying as she paces past Erwin fingers tracing the spines of the books on her shelves. When she turns, her eyes hold recognition in them. 

“You have feelings for him?”

Erwin tenses, because he is swimming in dangerous waters, and he’s not sure what Marie will do with the information. She could destroy him, he thinks.

“You let me go too. Not a single attempt to make me stay,” Marie murmurs, and Erwin isn’t sure if it’s for his ears anymore.

He clears his throat. “I did recommend against it. The scouts need Levi, I think.” He wonders why he is comparing, whether it being _different_ makes it okay. His professional opinion has not changed. Marie sits, looks at him with a knowing eye, and Erwin thinks of how he can steer the conversation away from Levi, move it to safer ground.

“That’s rather selfish of you, isn’t it? Asking a man who doesn’t want to serve to stay?” Marie says.

“Maybe it is, maybe I was being selfish, for humanity,” Erwin says, and he prays they are the right words.

Marie closes her eyes, whispers so soft that Erwin almost doesn’t catch it.

“And yet, some would call it love.”

A trickle of dread tracks down Erwin’s spine, and he looks down at his boots, chest tight. He did not strategise close to sufficiently for this meeting. He hears the scratch of a quill on parchment. Marie holds out a scrap of paper to him.

“Nile’s schedule. You should meet him tomorrow, he should be free after noon,” she says. “God knows why I’m helping you.”

Erwin grabs the parchment, nods in thanks, and slips it in his coat pocket. His fingers land on the packet of tea in his pocket. He meant to give it to Levi, but he doesn’t think he will see him, after all. 

“Thank you. Here is some tea, for you and your husband to enjoy,” Erwin says, as casual as he can. 

Marie takes the packet, looks at the paper label tied around it. “Earl grey? I thought you preferred coffee?”

Erwin shrugs and avoids the question. The night has already gone to shit, anyway. “I’m sorry for everything, Marie. If you will believe me.”

Marie lifts her chin, proud. “There is nothing to be sorry for. I live a good life.”

“Then I am glad,” Erwin says, and then he leaves. They part like strangers. Marie doesn’t send him off.

\---

Erwin gives it an hour after noon before he heads to the MP headquarters the next day. If Marie's information proves accurate, he should be able to catch Nile in his office. He thinks about which cards to play, whether Marie would have told Nile anything about last night, and he doesn't realise he's already up the stairs until he hears a sigh in the hallway ahead.

He looks up, and there is Levi, standing outside Nile's office, messing up his bangs in frustration. The image is so familiar, Erwin feels like he remembers seeing the exact same thing before, in front of his own office. The soldier guarding the door eyes Levi, then glances over his shoulder to meet Erwin's eyes. The young man stiffens. It is not every day that the Commander of the Survey Corps pays a visit, and even an inexperienced recruit knows the appropriate decorum. He's about to salute when Erwin raises a finger to his lips. He doesn't know why he does it, why he doesn't want Levi to know he is there. 

_And yet, some would call it love._

He's not ready to pick apart the weave of his heart, so he watches as Levi turns the other way down the hallway, heading for the kitchens and armory. With a nod of thanks to the guard for his discretion, he turns into Nile’s office. The man is staring out of the large windows at the back of the room, so he doesn’t notice Erwin immediately.

“Nile,” Erwin says by way of greeting.

Nile turns, surprised. “Erwin! What are you doing here?”

“I’m here about funding.” After yesterday’s meeting with Marie, Erwin figures there is no loss in being direct about it, though if he predicted correctly, Marie would not have told Nile about their meeting.

“Ah,” Nile’s lips thin. “Right, here to scrape together a few coins for your little crew in Rose? Was the pittance that Levi has been stealing from my funds insufficient?”

Erwin is surprised, but doesn’t let it show. Nile probably assumes that he has kept in close correspondence with Levi, but other than one message a week, Levi did not mention stealing from the MPs. It strikes him as odd that Nile allows the pilfering to continue, but perhaps he saw no harm in it. He’s never actively gotten in the way of the scouts, despite his reservations, and Erwin has wondered on more than one occasion, why.

“I’ve let you do what you wish for the most part, Erwin. Don’t push my buttons,” Nile continues. 

It rubs Erwin the wrong way, how Nile speaks like he has granted the scouts some kind of permission, so he plays his card. 

"And Lord Mason?” Erwin watches as Nile’s face turns white.

"Are you threatening me, Smith?" Nile says, voice trembling with anger. He walks up to Erwin and stabs him in the chest with a finger.

"This has always been your problem. You think every person not out there trading their lives to kill titans is beneath you. Hate to break it to you, but not all your scouts are fighting for the sake of humanity. Some of them have families to feed, and they do it despite knowing they will probably die in the next year. How can you face them, Erwin?"

It hurts to hear it from Nile, and it's not that Erwin doesn't already know all that, but he is deeply convinced that there is still a need for humanity to break out of these walls. It frustrates him that he has never managed to convince Nile despite their past friendship.

"I know that, Nile. We need to keep fighting, though. We don't know when the Armored and Colossal titans will be back. We cannot just sit and wait for our demise." Erwin says, but it's with less urgency than he would have used in his younger years. He knows Nile is not likely to change his mind. Nile looks like he barely has a leash on his anger when he speaks.

"You're not the only one trying to help the people. After Wall Maria fell, our food supplies are almost next to nothing, and the first people to feel the effects are the poor. I take money from pigs like Mason, in exchange for my silence on their activities, so that I can provide for those in the Underground," Nile says. It comes as a complete surprise to Erwin, but Nile isn't done yet.

"There are people dying, right this moment, under our feet. They're not being killed by titans. They're being killed by you, and your dreams." The words knock Erwin right over, and he's grasping for an anchor, something he can use to justify his goals. Nile isn't correct, not completely, but there's just enough truth in there that Erwin fumbles with reconciling guilt and admiration for the man all at the same time.

He's not sure whether Nile will believe him at this point, or if he's trustworthy, but knowing that he only wants the best for the common folk makes Erwin decide to risk it.

"I think the Colossal and Armored titans are in our midst, disguised as humans." 

Nile deflates like a balloon and actually stares slack-jawed for a second.

"What do you mean, they're human?" Erwin explains his suspicions, and by the time he's finished Nile has his arms crossed, head tilted up in thought.

"One chest. I can give you one chest of money, and nobody can find out about it," Nile says in the end, and relief floods Erwin.

"Nobody will know. I promise." Erwin reaches out and grips Nile's arm. "Thank you for your work," he says meaningfully.

Nile shrugs, uncomfortable with the attention. "You're not so bad yourself, Smith." Erwin chuckles. They're not friends, and he doesn't think they ever will be again, but there is value nonetheless in their camaraderie. Humankind needs more than one soldier to fight for it, even if they do so in different ways.

"I'll see you after we reclaim Maria," Erwin says, lighter than before.

Nile grimaces, knowing how much will have to be lost before they can get there. But he has seen Erwin Smith's leadership first hand, and if he has to bet on any Commander, it would be this one.

"Don't die before you get there," Nile mutters, and Erwin grins. There is no doubt in his mind that he will see Nile once again.

\---

A messenger pulls his horse up beside Erwin's carriage as he is about to leave Sina. Erwin unfolds the creamy paper and finds familiar handwriting.

_Levi liked the tea. Stay safe._

The ride back to headquarters feels lighter than Erwin will admit to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fairly obvious, I think, but hopefully you guys caught the little bit of plot genius I put in there (*slow clap for self*)


End file.
